confidence

Building confidence is one of those things you can see a therapist for. There are techniques mental health researchers have studied carefully that are considered proven to build a sense of self-efficacy. In fact, the principles of social work require practitioners to uphold a belief in the client even when they themselves cannot see their own strength or capacity for change. A beloved phrase among mental health practitioners that was said to me at a crucial moment, just before my very first talk therapy session with a real live human,

“Borrow my confidence in you. If you can’t find the confidence, know that I have confidence in you, and let that be enough.”

I held on to that vote of confidence and over time I proved to myself that I had every reason to trust my abilities. And that’s what we do in therapy, gather data to help reflect strengths and self-efficacy rather than perpetuate a narrative of failure, incapacity, and limitation. 

Sticky Note Affirmation Exercise

1. Secure a fresh stack of sticky-notes (found these cuties)

2. Pick a mirror, maybe a private one for you and your meditation

3. Pick a regular time you’ll return to that mirror at

4. Each day, write one thing you love and appreciate about yourself on a sticky-note

5. Make eye contact with yourself and say what you wrote out loud

6. Stick the note on the mirror 

7. Repeat every day, as consistently as you’re able ‘til the stack is gone, more if it’s still supporting you 

Full disclosure, when my therapist had me do this exercise, I cried almost every morning for at least the first month. I cried because I felt ashamed I couldn’t think of anything. I cried because I thought it was f%#ed up I was so mean to myself. I cried because I knew there was something and how dare I waste a life hating myself!  I cried because I could think of a million things for virtually anyone else but somehow I couldn’t appreciate myself?! I cried because I knew so much of my challenge was a product of oppressive and hateful forces. I felt absurd until one day I could look myself in the eyes with gratitude and humbly remind myself of what unique magic I bring to the world, of how far I have come, and how far I am willing to go. 

I suspect this technique works best for people that are particularly validated by words of affirmation, which I am. It’s fairly simple, if words of affirmation work well for a you, then whether they’re kind or critical affirmations, they’re likely to stick. Intentionally replacing the critical and even hateful affirmations with self-appreciation requires us to create a new vocabulary and with eye contact, develop mirror neurons that sustain our memory, our understanding of self from that appreciative perspective.